why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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