I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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