I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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