thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
