I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
