I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
