I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
