Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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