If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
