its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
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