so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
