dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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