I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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