i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
