My bed is full of blood and feathers
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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