my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
