Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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