I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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