I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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