I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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