He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
