she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
