Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
