I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
