I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
