I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
