She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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