im about as happy as oj after his trial
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
