i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize