If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
