she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
