oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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