Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sober January is a disaster.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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