it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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