mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
