Old men and throwing up are my life now.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
