Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
