Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
