if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize