I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
