I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
