Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
