So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
