I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Less talking, more tequila
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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