How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
