when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
