Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
