i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
