So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
