The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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