his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
