the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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