you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
