it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
