I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
