I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
