I would go down on you faster than GM stock
do herpes really smell.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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