does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
