i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
