two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
