So drunk its hurt
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
