Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
