It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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