We named our party play list daddy issues
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
