So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
