We won't sleep together?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
