i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
