i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
