WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
